Proactive Parenting: Use These Tips to Help Prevent Children from ever Being Abused

Jill Starishevsky knows the horrors of child abuse better than most – she’s a prosecutor of child abuse and sex crimes in New York City. The mother of three is also the author of My Body Belongs To Me (www.MyBodyBelongstoMe.com), a children’s book intended to prevent child sexual abuse by teaching children that their bodies are their own.She shares the following 10 tips for keeping children safe from predators:

1. Safety in numbers. Find out what the policy is for one on one contact. Organizations can limit or eliminate the opportunity for abuse if there is a policy requiring a third person to be present (whether it is an adult or another child). In a sport such as tennis where there may not be a third person, parents should consider being present for the lessons.
2. Safe touching vs. unsafe touching. Have a discussion with your child about what types of touching are appropriate in that particular sport. With a contact sport such as football or wrestling, be explicit about what behavior is acceptable and what is not. Teach your child to come to you and ask questions if they are uncertain. Discuss whether there are other touches that you have not addressed.
3. Use a broad brush. While parents may have concerns about protecting their child from a coach, they should keep in mind that other children can be perpetrators of sexual abuse against a child as well. All lessons should apply to anyone who might touch the child inappropriately, whether adult or child.
4. No secrets. Period. Encourage your children to tell you about things that happen to them that make them feel scared, sad or uncomfortable. If children have an open line of communication, they will be more inclined to alert you to something suspicious before it becomes a problem. The way to effectuate this rule is as follows: If someone, even a grandparent, were to say something to your child such as "I'll get you an ice cream later, but it will be our secret", firmly, but politely say "We don't do secrets in our family." Then turn to your child and say "Right? We don't do secrets. We can tell each other everything." Secrecy is the most powerful weapon in a child abuser’s arsenal.
5. Identify a “safety zone” person. Teach your children that they can come to you to discuss anything, even if they think they will get in trouble. Convey to them that you will listen with an open mind even if they were doing something they should not have been doing. A safety zone person can be a neighbor, family member, religious official or anyone who your child feels comfortable confiding in should something happen to them and they are reluctant to discuss it with parents. The safety zone person should be advised that they have been chosen and should be instructed to discuss the situation with the parents in a timely manner. Keep in mind that child predators often “entice” their prey with something inappropriate such as allowing a child to watch an adult movie or miss school, letting them smoke a cigarette or drink alcohol. Children will often be reluctant to tell about inappropriate touching for fear they will get in trouble for the drinking or missing school. Explain to children that they if someone touches them inappropriately, they should tell the parent or the safety zone person, even if they did something that they were not allowed to do.
6. Teach your child the correct terms for their body parts. This will make them more at ease if they need to tell you about a touch that made them feel uncomfortable. Teaching children only the nicknames for their private parts can delay a disclosure. An 11-year-old who only knows the term hoo hoo for her vagina may be embarrassed to tell someone if she is touched there. If a 5-year-old tells her busy kindergarten teacher that the janitor licked her cookie, the teacher might give the child another cookie, not realizing she just missed a disclosure.
7. Practice “what if” scenarios. Say to your child, "What would you do if someone offered you a treat, or a gift when I wasn't there?" Help your child arrive at the right answer, which is to say no, and ask you first. Many parents also encourage children to walk or run away in this situation if the person is a stranger. Parents should note that giving a child a gift and asking them to keep it a secret is a very common step in the process of grooming a child for sexual abuse.
8. Teach children to respect the privacy of others. Children should learn to knock on doors that are shut before opening them and close the door to the bathroom when they are using it. If they learn to respect the privacy of others, they may be more likely to recognize that an invasion of their privacy could be a red flag meaning danger.
9. Let children decide for themselves how they want to express affection. Children should not be forced to hug or kiss if they are uncomfortable. Even if they are your favorite aunt, uncle or cousin, your child should not be forced to be demonstrative in their affection. While this may displease you, by doing this, you will empower your child to say no to inappropriate touching.
10. Teach children that No means No.
    Teach children that it is OK to say No to an adult. Without permission from you, many children may be reluctant to do so even if the adult is doing something that makes them feel uncomfortable. Teach children that all of these lessons apply to children as well. If another child is touching your child in a way that makes him or her uncomfortable, teach your child to say No, get away and tell someone. When someone tickles a child, if the child says No, all tickling should cease. Children need to know that their words have power and No means No.

Editor’s Note: This story is reprinted by permission of the author, Jill Starishevsky, and the National Alliance for Youth Sports’ SportingKid magazine, in which the story was published.
Also, check out Little League’s Parent Guide (PDF) on how to protect children from a potential child sex offender.

Survivor/Thriver stage 1 step 6: Anger (TRIGGER)

Anger is a natural reaction to child abuse. Yet survivors have a hard time managing anger. They veer between lashing out or over-controlling it, not knowing when it is appropriate and when it isn't, not knowing how to express themselves forcefully without overdoing it. You were no doubt angry as a child, but probably were not able to express the anger safely in your family. You may still be afraid of your anger because it may have been intricately connected to many of the bad things that hurt you. But bottling up your anger will also block your recovery because, without ventilation, the anger may turn into aggressive behavior.
Many survivors do not express their anger overtly. In addition to turning the anger inwards into anxiety, self-loathing and depression, many survivors develop habits that serve to cover over their anger and dull its impact. Compulsive eating, drinking, sexual activity and a host of other behaviors serve to blunt the anger as well as the pain, shame and isolation that arise from abuse. This kind of behavior - often called self-medicating in the case of alcohol or drug use - masks the underlying feelings and promotes a blustery, but often hollow, public image.If you have to express your anger to better manage it, the best strategy is to externalize it - that is, to get rid of it by discharging it outward. But do it safely, with maximum control, and direct it where it belongs: at your abusers. Of course, it is not always possible to do this, nor is it always advisable. […] Practicing how to express your anger and learning how to turn it on and turn it off will not only be therapeutic, but will also give you the skills to use your anger in appropriate ways in the real world.
1. If you have not already done so, make a list of techniques you can use to help you identify and manage your anger. For example, become aware of the body signals that tell you that you are starting to feel angry. Try to figure out what is making you feel this way. Is it something in the present or is it a replay of an old tape from your childhood? If you find yourself getting angry, take a "time out" and give yourself a chance to calm down. Call a friend or a hotline for help in figuring out what is triggering your anger.
2. There are many ways that you can safely express your anger on your own without hurting yourself or anyone else. One of the best ways is to engage in active sports where you can bash a ball: tennis, racquetball, baseball. Virtually any kind of physical activity such as aerobics or dancing will reduce your feelings of anger. You can write about the anger in your journal, exercise, go for a walk, scrub the floors - whatever will dissipate the anger in a safe manner. Other more direct expressions of anger are hitting pillows, screaming in your house or car (though not when driving) and learning martial arts or self-defense skills. Other more intellectual avenues include getting involved in public speaking and political marches and activities.
3. Write drafts of letters to your abusers expressing your anger with them. You can get a lot of the anger sorted out by writing long letters that detail every imaginable angle of your anger. Whether you send the letters or not is up to you. Sending these types of letters is considered a confrontation, so you will want to give this issue serious consideration.
Professional Help
1. Use your therapy sessions to explore using some techniques for expressing anger at your parents/abusers. Besides the "empty chair," psychodrama and other Gestalt therapy techniques that use role-playing and reenactment of family situations are especially powerful for survivors who want to practice expressing their anger toward their parents/abusers.

2. The major work of therapy during this stage is to develop a flexible control over your anger. Anger in itself isn't bad, but the expression of it can be harmful to you and to others around you, and so you need to learn to differentiate situations and responses to those situations. Identify situations where you lose control of your anger as well as situations where you need to use your anger more constructively to stand up for yourself. Work out new routines to handle your anger and then practice these routines in your therapy sessions before trying them out in your everyday life.

http://www.ascasupport.org/manual.php

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