Many survivors do not express their anger overtly. In addition to turning the anger inwards into anxiety, self-loathing and depression, many survivors develop habits that serve to cover over their anger and dull its impact. Compulsive eating, drinking, sexual activity and a host of other behaviors serve to blunt the anger as well as the pain, shame and isolation that arise from abuse. This kind of behavior - often called self-medicating in the case of alcohol or drug use - masks the underlying feelings and promotes a blustery, but often hollow, public image.If you have to express your anger to better manage it, the best strategy is to externalize it - that is, to get rid of it by discharging it outward. But do it safely, with maximum control, and direct it where it belongs: at your abusers. Of course, it is not always possible to do this, nor is it always advisable. […] Practicing how to express your anger and learning how to turn it on and turn it off will not only be therapeutic, but will also give you the skills to use your anger in appropriate ways in the real world.
1. If you have not already done so, make a list of techniques you can use to help you identify and manage your anger. For example, become aware of the body signals that tell you that you are starting to feel angry. Try to figure out what is making you feel this way. Is it something in the present or is it a replay of an old tape from your childhood? If you find yourself getting angry, take a "time out" and give yourself a chance to calm down. Call a friend or a hotline for help in figuring out what is triggering your anger.
2. There are many ways that you can safely express your anger on your own without hurting yourself or anyone else. One of the best ways is to engage in active sports where you can bash a ball: tennis, racquetball, baseball. Virtually any kind of physical activity such as aerobics or dancing will reduce your feelings of anger. You can write about the anger in your journal, exercise, go for a walk, scrub the floors - whatever will dissipate the anger in a safe manner. Other more direct expressions of anger are hitting pillows, screaming in your house or car (though not when driving) and learning martial arts or self-defense skills. Other more intellectual avenues include getting involved in public speaking and political marches and activities.
3. Write drafts of letters to your abusers expressing your anger with them. You can get a lot of the anger sorted out by writing long letters that detail every imaginable angle of your anger. Whether you send the letters or not is up to you. Sending these types of letters is considered a confrontation, so you will want to give this issue serious consideration.
Professional Help
1. Use your therapy sessions to explore using some techniques for expressing anger at your parents/abusers. Besides the "empty chair," psychodrama and other Gestalt therapy techniques that use role-playing and reenactment of family situations are especially powerful for survivors who want to practice expressing their anger toward their parents/abusers.
2. The major work
of therapy during this stage is to develop a flexible control over your
anger. Anger in itself isn't bad, but the expression of it can be
harmful to you and to others around you, and so you need to learn to
differentiate situations and responses to those situations. Identify
situations where you lose control of your anger as well as situations
where you need to use your anger more constructively to stand up for
yourself. Work out new routines to handle your anger and then practice
these routines in your therapy sessions before trying them out in your
everyday life.
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